供参考而已,记得不要当真!

这是一封IT管理员给上司的辞职信,趣味无穷。

Dear Mr. XXXXXX,

As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my coworkers and me during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen.

I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of “cut and paste” for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.

You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at.

Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Since this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is “I prefer not to comment.” I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your “favorites list”, which I conveniently saved when you made me “back up” your useless files. I do believe that terms like “Lolita” are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to “take pictures of your Mother’s birthday,” you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f*** with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!

Wishing you a grand and glorious day,

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唐三藏的家书

西天取经后唐三藏给孙悟空写了封家书。这个幽默,要配合周星驰《大话西游》中罗家英扮演的唐僧的画面感才会更有效果。

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親愛的悟空:

我這封信寫的很慢,因為知道你看字不快。
八戒和我已經搬家了,不過地址沒改,因為搬家的時候把門牌也帶過來了。
這禮拜下了兩次雨,第一次下了3天,第二次下了4天。
昨天我們去買披薩,店員問我要切成8片還是12片,我說8片就成了,12片吃不完。

我給你寄去了一件外套,因為怕郵寄時超重,所以把扣子剪下來,放在外套口袋裡了。

最後告訴你,現在工作難找,你又猴子猴孫滿堂,本來想寄點錢給你度年關的,
可惜信封已經封上了。

PS:別忘了給孩子們講講我們很久很久很久以前的事:

那時候天是藍的,水是綠的,莊稼是長在地裡的,豬肉是可以放心吃的,耗子是怕貓的,

強盜是怕捕快的,法庭是講理的,殺人是要償命的,結婚是先談戀愛的,理髮店是只管頭頂的,

藥是可以治病的,大夫是救死扶傷的,拍電影是不需要陪導演睡覺的,照相是要穿衣服的,

孩子的爸爸是清楚的,欠錢是要還錢的,錢莊是一諾九鼎的,學校是不圖掙錢的,

夫子兩袖清風,腰桿是硬的,白癡是不能當官的,百年老店是萬金不換號的,

賣狗肉是不能掛羊頭的,結了婚是不能泡美眉的,買東西是要付錢的。